I Live For Your Hatred
by Crimson Sheets
Summary: Obito wants to tell Deidara he's not who he thinks he is, wants Deidara to know just how much the blond really means to him. The chance arises, but is it the best idea to admit such things even when the desire is strong enough?


_This is a oneshot, probably, unless y'all demand more._

_Warnings: Very light spoilers, language, and lots of Obito angst._

* * *

Obito had to wonder just how it would feel to completely let go; to stand up so tall, look down at the moving earth beneath him, and let his body limply soar through the warm air. He could imagine it now, the feeling of the heavy Akatsuki robe slash and flail about his body, the way his hair would tickle and flicker across the back of his neck, how the hot air would engulf his body and make it harder to breathe with the swirly orange mask covering his face. The shinobi idly wondered if he would die before ever reaching the bottom.

He wondered if someone would be there to catch him.

The masked nin took a slow look over his shoulder, his single eye trained on his blond partner. Deidara's hair was whipping about the figure like golden rays of sunlight, his eyes cast down in thought, hands idly squishing pale cream clay between black painted nails. Obitio turned to face his partner a little more, resting his hands on the large birds back for support. The sunset behind the ex-Iwa nin was stunning to the dark-haired man, making the light hair shine brighter than normal. It cast such contrasting shadows against the sun-kissed skin on the bomber and Obito couldn't help but stare.

When those azure eyes fluttered up to his lone one hidden in a sea of darkness behind the orange mask, blond brows narrowed in irritation, the older man couldn't help but half-smile. Such looks were common, the blond had always made it known that he detested the masked male. Obito no longer flinched away from such things, not after such a long time of being partners with the explosive teenager.

"The hell are you looking at?" Even that voice was lovely with all its annoyance laced with each syllable. Obito wanted to shake his head and tell the blond how beautiful the other looked, how much he adored the other. But that was a side that no one has seen and definitely not one that Deidara would see anytime soon. He had to stick to his plan, had to keep his Tobi act up a while longer. "You should never interrupt an artist, even when he's just in thought, hm."

How many times had he heard that? Too many to count, if he were to be honest. Obito wanted to sigh. It seemed that no matter what he did, he would always somehow upset the blond without meaning to (even though most of the time, he would admit, it _was_ on purpose). But such is his fate should he be known as "Tobi" to the arsonist.

"Tobi was just thinking how pretty Senpai looks!" he responded, voice a couple of pitches higher than normal, hands clasping together. He hadn't lied, at least, but he knew that Deidara would take it the completely wrong way. When those thin brows narrowed further, baby blue eyes blinked slowly in annoyance and distaste, Obito only laughed childishly, the high pitched voice ringing between the two.

"Piss off," Deidara mumbled, turning away from the masked nin. Obito let his hands fall to his sides, resting on the white bird the two were currently seated on, slowly drifting through the summer air. He stifled a sigh and momentarily closed his eyes, focusing on the darkness. It was comforting, it was familiar.

But the image of his partner was running through his mind, lighting up the shadows and darkness he had been so comfortable in. He swallowed thickly, letting a small smile grace his lips before thinking that Deidara floating through his mind was far more appealing than any darkness could have ever been.

The scarred nin opened his eyes back up to the darkening sky. They would be landing soon, no doubt only to get moving once more on foot. They had a mission to complete after all. A simple one, one that would take a few days to complete (it was on the other side of the Fire Country, they would be gone at least for two weeks, even if they were moving as fast as their feet and clay would carry them), but simply nonetheless. And every second he could spend secretly admiring the blond was a second Obito wouldn't waste on anything else.

He stood up, suddenly, taking note of the way Deidara didn't bother to acknowledge him as he carefully stepped to the edge of the bird. Going back to his previous thoughts of falling, he wondered if Deidara would catch him should he teeter off the edge and fall to his sure death.

"Senpai?" Obito held his arms out, liking the way the wind pushed against him, as if daring him to fall. "Should Tobi fall, would you catch him?" He didn't receive an answer.

He hadn't expected one.

Staring down at painted toes as they dangerously wiggled over the edge, Obito idly pondered on the idea if he were to die, would Deidara even care? _Probably not, considering all he's ever known me as is an "annoying dumbass". _Obito doubted he would ever tell Deidara about his true self, it would all be revealed in time. _Will he live long enough to see it, though?_ _Would he _care_ enough to see it?_

"If you were to fall, I would catch you. There's no point in getting another partner, hm, when chances are I would get someone with less brain cells than you." Obito perked up a bit, turning around to face the blond. The blue eyes were downcast, his hands still working the clay expertly. He had his elbows rested on his knees, sitting down with his legs crossed in the same place he had been before. "I will say that the sight of your body splattered on the ground would be pleasing, hm. But I'd rather kill you myself, making your existence into something beautiful; an explosion, a work of art."

Obito would have chuckled had he been able to. Deidara never failed to surprise him, even with his threats and comebacks. They were always somehow morbidly poetic in ways he didn't bother to understand. Just to hear the arsonists voice was enough for him, even with such images flashing through his mind of what the blond had said, Obito couldn't find it in himself to be offended or hurt.

He knew his advances, as childish and admittedly stupid as they were, were in vain. Deidara, even if he knew Obito for himself, surely wouldn't come to love such an ugly man as himself.

The clay bird started drifting downwards, preparing to land within an oncoming forest the scarred man could faintly see. Camping for the night in the air wouldn't be safe, it was already dangerous to be this low to the ground right now, and there didn't seem to be any signs of a village nearby. Settling down in the depths of a thick forest seemed to be their best bet of safety for now.

Obito sat back down, letting his legs dangle off the edge carelessly (he now knew that Deidara wouldn't let him fall, which made his chest swell, even if for the wrong reasons), humming loudly in response to the blond's reply.

"Tobi knew Senpai would say something about art! That's all he ever talks about, after all. Does Deidara-senpai ever think about anything else?" He could very faintly hear said man scoff quietly, no doubt shaking his head in irritation. "Does Senpai ever think about Tobi?"

"When my thoughts drift to you, I want to blow my own head off," came the reply. Obito smiled. "Other times my thoughts of you are of me blowing _your_ head off, hm." Such a response was predictable and the masked nin found it quite funny, though he pretended to be upset, hanging his head dramatically.

"Senpai _can't_ think badly of Tobi! Who else would keep you such company?" He didn't receive an answer this time. He liked to think it was because he _did _somehow keep the bomber occupied and slightly entertained.

They landed in a dense part of the forest soon enough, the trees blending into the darkness of nighttime. They had to be careful, should they accidentally run face first into one or trip over a fallen branch. With a hidden Sharingan and a scope, though, Obito felt they would fare just fine. Of course that wouldn't stop the taller male from comically "tripping" over a few of them to get a rise out of the blond.

"Rest or something, I'll take the first watch, hm," he heard Deidara call out softly, watching as Tobi pranced around the forest floor. The blond rested high up in a tree, his long fringe pushed behind his ear to reveal the scope hidden behind the locks of gold. Obito saluted before giving the younger a thumbs up.

Sliding down a tree opposite from the one his partner was in, Obito leaned his head back against the roughness of the bark, sighing through his nose quietly. Another quite night, another night to think about pointless things. He absent-mindedly ran a hand through his dark hair before looking down at a gloved hand with resentment.

How he hated covering himself up. The only exposed skin that was showed were his toes, those being the only unscarred part of his body. How embarrassing, though, it would have been to not wear clothing over all over. Obito could only image the disgust Deidara would have plastered to the expressive face, how he would snarl to cover himself back up.

He let dark eyes flutter shut. He couldn't deal with such rejection. "Tobi" could handle it fine, but his true self would have never been able to. He had already lost so many people he loved, losing Deidara would be the last blow. The raven haired male didn't think he could handle himself knowing that the arsonist thought he was disgusting or ugly.

He drifted off on such sorrowful thoughts, letting his head loll against the sharp bark, hands folded gently in his lap as he let darkness take over once more.

...

"Tobi, I said _wake up_, hm!" Onyx eyes lazily opened, though his mind and body were already working miles a minute. He reached out blindly, grabbing hold of Deidara by the front of the teens cloak. His eyes adjusted to the darkness easily, taking in the sight of Deidara's angered expression as said male was pulled into the elders lap.

"Senpai!" Obito whined loudly, wrapping his arms around the squirming blond. "Five more minutes, Tobi needs his beauty sleep so Senpai will one day love Tobi for his gorgeousness!" Deidara pushed hard against his clothed chest, threats being hissed out of thin lips.

"Get the _fuck_ off me!" Obito sighed contently, letting Deidara squirm against his hold. If only he could really hold the blond, without the mask, without the secrets and the fear. "I swear to every damned God out there, if you don't let me go, I'll blast your dumbass self to _fucking hell!"_ He felt a hand wrap around his neck, thin fingers pressing tightly into his throat.

"S-Senpai, Tobi never knew you could be so _dominant!_" Obito would have really laughed, should he not be acting. To see Deidara turn red in the face from anger, those blue eyes glittering with the promise of death from his comment, it was truly a sight. He felt those digits curl tighter around his throat, surely to leave bruises.

With a harsh slap to his face, the mask slightly jerking to the side from the force, Obito finally let Deidara go, already missing the immense amount of heat the angered blond gave off. He quickly readjusted his mask, grinning behind it as Deidara stood up and stormed away back to the same tree he had been taking watch in, those golden locks of hair fluttering behind him.

"T-Tobi was only joking, Senpai!" He choked out, clumsily standing to his feet. Obito, still grinning lightly, ran in front of Deidara before he could jump. Holding his hands in front of him in defense, he continued. "Tobi was still only half asleep, Senpai, he didn't mean it!"

Which, in reality, he didn't. Countless times had he dreamed of the blond, countless times had he dreamed _dominating_ the blond, not the other way around. To see that face screwed up in pleasure, crimson painting his cheeks, angelic hair sprayed around him... it was a dream Obito had often.

"Fuck off, hm," Deidara snarled, pushing past the taller, making sure to step on his toes in the process. Obito yelped in pain, pretending it had really hurt. Turning around to face the bomber, who was now walking in a random direction, the masked nin followed as usual, tumbling over his own feet to race in front of his partner.

"Would Senpai had rather _Tobi_ dominate?" Obito knew he was probably taking this too far, he could see Deidara fuming in anger and frustration. But the blond was far too fun to tease, far too fun to watch get riled up. "Because Tobi wouldn't mind either way, Deidara-Senpai!"

Deidara merely turned around, whipping the front of the bright mask with long strands of silky soft hair. He stomped away, fists balled up at his sides as the bounced against the clay pouches resting against the artist's hips.

"You're a fucking idiot, Tobi! You're out of your _fucking_ mind if you think you'll ever have that sort of power over me, hm! Keep your sick fantasies to yourself, you hear me?" _That hurt_. Obito squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the fear of rejection rear its ugly head up into his chest and mind. "How you're even a part of this organization is beyond me, Pein must have lost his mind if he thinks you're of any use to us. You can't do a damned thing right around here, hm."

Oh, how clueless he was. Obito shook his head sadly behind the bomber, letting another soft sigh fall from his lips. If only he knew, if only he knew how _bad_ Obito wanted to come clean, wanted to show Deidara that there was _so much more_ to him than the blond thought.

"You're wrong," he answered before he could stop himself. He didn't mask his voice, didn't bother to hide the hurt.

And Deidara noticed.

The blond stopped, turning around to face the masked nin with confusion written clearly over the tanned face. Obito shut his eyes in annoyance with himself. _Damn it, he was right about not doing anything right!_

"Tobi? What the hell was that?" _Shit_.

"U-uh, Tobi doesn't know what Senpai is talking about! Maybe Senpai should get some sleep!" There really was no hiding it, he knew. Deidara was a curious creature, Obito had figured out from watching the bomber. Those thin figures were always tracing something, poking and prodding at one thing or another. Azure eyes were always inspecting, in lost in a world of thoughts only he alone knew of. Obito knew that Deidara wasn't going to get this go.

"Don't fuck with me, do you think I'm stupid, hm?" Obito raised his hands up in defense once more, starting to wonder if maybe _this_ was his chance to show the blond who he really was and to just prove to him how wrong he had been.

The masked nin quickly decided against such things. Deidara would no doubt be disgusted and repulsed, not only that but Obito didn't want the blond to think he wasn't worthy of being trusted after withholding such information from the artist. Then again, telling the explosive teenager the whole story at once was probably not the best plan of action. He knew that to tell the blond would mean being patient and letting bits of information out little by little would be best.

"Of course not, Senpai!" Obito gave a nervous laugh, the high tone of his act shrill in the near silent forest. He watched as Deidara's eyes flickered over his body, anger evident in the pretty blue hues. But still, as predicted, he didn't back down.

"Why are you in the Akatsuki? They only want people with talent and I've yet to see you do anything remarkably worthwhile, hm." It was true, Obito knew. He had been refraining from using any jutsu or techniques in fear of anyone catching onto his true self. He's supposed to be dead, a lost soul forever wondering.

And yet, here he was, alive with regret and hidden secrets and power that the artist knew nothing of. Just what could he say, though? Deidara was no fool, he wasn't one to be tampered with, either.

Obito thought over his options quickly. Should he keep up the Tobi act, Deidara's suspicious should only grow and he would be found out in a matter of time. His relationship with the blond would only worsen; something the masked nin didn't want to happen. However, should he tell the other a bit of what he wanted to know (and what Obito so badly wanted to tell), he would be rejected, hurt, and alone still. He knew Deidara's hatred of the Sharingan and the Uchiha's, knew that the blond would feel betrayed when he found out just who Obito really was and his plans for the world.

What should he do?

He wasn't sure, but he had to act fast. Deidara was already moving toward him, brows knitted together in anger. Maybe he should stay still and let the blond do as he wants. Perhaps the rejection wouldn't be as bad.

He refrained from flinching as Deidara's small fingers ghosted over the front of his mask. _There's his curiosity once more_, he thought, watching as the angered arsonist kept his movements slow but sure.

"Tobi doesn't think that's a good idea, Senpai," Obito said, starting to step backwards, feeling uncomfortable with the sudden privacy invasion. No, all this wasn't supposed to happen, it was wrong of Obito to even consider letting Deidara see his true self.

"Your voice, it was different. You never take off that hideous mask, you always wear so much clothing, and you're showing no signs of intelligence or power, hm." He kept stepping back, unsure of where this was going. The artist kept following, though, keeping small hands on the front of the mask. "Why don't you just fucking tell me what you're doing here and why you're being a _pansy_ for not trusting me enough?" he suddenly shouted, gripping the sides of the mask and yanking.

_Now or never, I suppose._ He swiftly grabbed Deidara's wrists, preventing him from removing the mask. He stood still now, gripping the small arms tightly in his larger hands. The forest was quiet suddenly, not even crickets chirping. Just the faint sound of Deidara's breathing, those wide azure orbs looking at him in shock. Of course he would be surprised, never had he _touched_ Deidara in such a way in fear of blown to another dimension.

"Tobi will confess if Deidara-Senpai is willing to listen," he quietly said, still talking higher than normal. "But Deidara-Senpai won't be happy to hear the truth." His stomach was filled with nervous butterflies. He wanted to throw up, he could taste bile already. Obito found himself not ready for rejection, not ready to be truly and wholly hated by the one he loved most.

Deidara didn't respond, only pulled his arms away from the older's grip only to cross them expectantly over his chest. Obito shut his eyes in slight irritation, feeling a headache. He wished he would have fallen off the bird into his inevitable death. He didn't want Deidara to save him anymore, it was too hard and painful to be around the blond when he was feeling such taboo and disgusting things toward the other man.

"My name is Obito," he said, dropping the act. He let his arms fall to his sides, looking Deidara in the eye. "I'm not who you think I am, obviously." He watched as Deidara blinked slowly, taking in all he said. "I'm not supposed to be here. I was supposed to die many years ago but I was saved from my sure fate of death by the Devil himself."

Truth was all he spoke. Madara Uchiha _had_ saved him, but looking back on it now and looking at his plans for the future of this world, perhaps it hadn't been a blessing after all. He knew he wasn't going to survive all this. In the end, the bad guys always died, didn't they?

"Keep going," Deidara mumbled, eyes narrowing in suspicion at the older. Obito complied.

"The reason you've not seen my true potential is because I've sealed it away from your sight. I knew that if you ever saw,or if anyone ever saw, I would be found out. "Tobi" is just a persona, a made up person, if you will. He was made to trick you all into thinking I was worthless or useless." Obito shifted slightly on his feet. Was his story believable? He hoped so, spilling his life story out to the blond was hard enough, even leaving out the important details.

"I'll be the reason this world descends into darkness," he muttered, lifting a hand to his mask. It was tempting, so tempting, to pull the mask away and tell the bomber _everything_. Down from the boulder ruining his body to the secret admiration and love he felt to the blond. The opportunity was there, the willingness to listen was present. But _could he_ physically do it?

"Whether you believe me or not is up to your instinct, Deidara. Believe me if you will, for I only speak truth. But should you not, then I'll return to Tobi and things will go back to normal."

"And if I do believe you, what happens then, hm?" Deidara asked after a long silence. Obito cocked his head to the side, not expecting that sort of response from the arsonist. He traced his thumb over the edge of the mask, letting the fabric softly snap back into place after being pulled away by the digit.

"Then maybe I can tell you a deeper secret, one with much more meaning than you could imagine." Deidara was quiet again. It was unnerving, it was fearful and made Obito want to vomit in the nearby bushes. Still, not even the wind blew on them. It was far too silent for the ninja, his head was swimming with too many thoughts and he felt nauseous. Just when he could stand the silence no more, Deidara sighed heavily, shaking his head.

"You're still a dumbass, un. The biggest piece of shit I've ever had the misfortune of meeting." Obito smiled oddly at the familiar insults. "But it seems I've no reason to think of you as a lair. However, how you could take over the world or whatever it was you said, seems like bullshit." The still masked nin gave a mental nod, seeing as how that would seem like a ridiculous idea to anybody. "Tell me the secret, Tobi-, er, Obito."

His heart, Obtio was sure, was going to burst. He had _longed_ to hear his name fall from those pink folds. To hear it roll of the youngers tongue and into the thick air between them was enough for his heart to speed up, his throat tighten and dry out. How many times had he dreamed of Deidara saying, whispering, moaning, yelling his real name out? Far too many times, far too many indeed.

"This might sound crazier than the rest of what I've told you," he warned, lifting the mask up slightly. That certainly caught the blond's eye. The blue hues settled firmly on the rising orange mask, waiting for it to completely disappear and show Obito's hidden features. The older man wasn't stupid, he had noticed the blond staring in curiosity before. Often when they ate, the arsonist would try and catch a glance of what was beneath the mask, what he had been hiding. But he had always stayed out of sight, not wanting Deidara to see the ugliness that was his body. He did, after all, cover it up for a good reason.

"Just fucking tell me, hm!" The blond snapped. He could see those small fingers flinch, knowing Deidara was itching to rip the mask off himself. He sighed, willing his body to calm down. He was hot, he could taste the bile in the back of his too dry throat, his head was pounding with too many thoughts, all of rejection and fear.

He pulled the mask off, tossing it to the ground without a care. Pulling down the facial gear under his chin as well, Obito stared back into the shocked baby blue eyes of his partner.

"I'm disgusting, I know. Scarred and ugly, tainted and filled with hate. But I had been hoping for so long that maybe you would see past the flaws I hold, past the regret and self-hatred and come to admire me the way I do you. Deidara, I think everything about is perfect. From the way you're so passionate about art to the way your toes curl in your sleep, you are beautiful and perfect to me. I didn't tell you sooner because I knew that everything I am and ever was will never compare to the way I see you.

I love you." He took a deep breath, letting his eyes stay trained on the blond before him. "But I know that my feelings are one-sided. How could you ever come to love someone as pathetic as I? My name, you now know, is Obito. But what you didn't know is that I am Obito Uchiha." He let his eyes swirl red, watching Deidara shake his head back and forth slowly. He let a low chuckle escape his lips, though there was no humor to be found in such a noise. "Tell me how much you hate me, how much you wish I were nothing more than ashes between your fingers, Deidara. I live off your hate, it's the only thing I'll ever receive from you."


End file.
